Tuesday, January 25, 2011

It starts with a lump

On sunday morning - January 9, 2011 we woke up to the sound of girls laughing downstairs. My daughter - who just celebrated her 9th birthday the day before - had a sleepover.

What had been a terrific birthday celebration the night before, ended in sheer terror at 9 am the next morning. As we were laying in bed, I accidently brushed my right breast and time stood still for me.

I froze as I felt it. It felt like a small hard marble. It was definitely a lump. The solid scary kind. I started crying in bed and turned to Brad who was still puzzled. I was out of my mind with fear. I kept crying and pointing to my lump. Brad felt it too, but was trying to be reassuring at this point. I could not be consoled. I kept saying 'oh my god, oh my god' over and over again.

Within 5 minutes I was dressed and out the door. I must have time travelled to the nearest care clinic because it seemed like one moment later I am lying on a cold hard table and the doctor is examining me. I keep telling myself that I am being paranoid and it's nothing, but the tears won't stop. The doctor stops, and hands me a tissue. He continues, with what seems an endless examination.

"Definitely a lump" he tells me at the end. "How old are you?" - I answered dutifully in between sobs. "Any history of breast cancer in your family?" I think back to 6 months ago when I asked another doctor to send me for a mammogram, but was turned down due to my young age, my lack of family history. That won't be happening this time. So I lie. "Yes."

He begins to fill out a requisite for a mammogram and ultrasound. He hands it over to me and wishes me luck.

I must have time travelled back home, because the next thing I remember is sobbing in Brad's arms again.

1 comment:

Sami said...


In December something similar happened to me while I was in the shower (except I felt it in my armpit, not my breast). Immediately started sobbing and fled to the doctors office. Fortunately for me, it was not cancer, but I know that initial feeling of "OH. MY.GOD." One of the scariest moments of my life. Cancer does run in my family (I lost my mom to it three years ago just before my 20th birthday), so in my mind, it's honestly a matter of which bump or which pain is going to be the one that puts me in chemo too. Trying to change my mindset, but it's so, so difficult. I'll definitely be following you through your journey and rooting you on!