Monday, February 14, 2011

What not to do

When you hear someone has breast cancer, and you want to share a story of someone you know who has gone through it, please THINK before you speak.

If that person who you are thinking of has passed away from breast cancer, do not share it with me. I don't want to hear that.

Every cancer patient knows that we don't all make it.

Something as small and seemingly innocent as that comment, has the power to put a negative spin on my day, and I have to work extra hard to get out of this mindset.

I know that nobody intentionally goes out to do this, but sometimes, our best intentions fail and we inadvertently hurt someone we care about.

14 comments:

Vancouver Voyeur said...

Sometimes we're clumsy when we try to comfort. Finding the right words, wanting so much to make a difference, sometimes the wrong words come out. I try to keep that in mind when people say the wrong thing to me, or when I inadvertently put my foot in my mouth trying to be helpful to someone else.

Knock knock - it's cancer! said...

VV - I know! Now I feel like a total douchebag. BUT - I was frustrated and vented about how I was feeling. I do appreciated the thought behind it. :)

Anonymous said...

In AA we have 'slogans' to help us through the day. My fave is 'think, think, think'.
Eileen

Knock knock - it's cancer! said...

Eileen - I know I have to remember that myself. I can't let comments like this bring me down, because they are not said in malice. But honestly, it's hard to hear sometimes. I like AA more and more every day...they have the coolest slogans :)

Sayre said...

I'm sorry that happened. Words have more power than most people know. Even when you're trying to be comforting and say the wrong thing.

Hang in, girl. We got your back.

Barbara Doduk said...

You are an incredible woman. As I have written you before I think we would have been good friends had met met under totally different circumstances.

Brad sounds perfect, and I am so happy that you found one another.

You are still absolutely gorgeous inside and out so don't ever give up your gumption.

tweetey30 said...

I read this yesterday and never commented... You are a very beautiful person in side and out and Yes we do let our mouths take over sometimes. Or should I say our fingers for typing..

but just keep postive even when someone says something. Just think of those 18 presents you got and just just keep postive.

Knock knock - it's cancer! said...

Sayre - it's awesome to know that 'you got my back' :)

Barb - I've never seen the word "gumption" used in a sentence! I love it!!

Tweets - thanks hun. I am over it already today, but it was important that I got that out yesterday ... PS - still no surprise yet?? I guess it takes longer cause it has to come through the border?

Shelley said...

everyone I know has beat the sucker.....my mother-in-law was about your age with kids and she is now 84 playing with great grandkids....my best friend, my sisters in law - coworkers all have smacked it and carried on! I golf with two of them whenever Brad and Earl are at mens night...you go girlfriend we are all behind you!!!

Amy said...

Good post! It's good to lose your cool once in a while. It's important not to always be rational and measured at a time like this. Sometimes you just have to lay down the law.

And thanks for reaching out to me on my blog. It's good to meet a sister blogging her way bravely through this nightmare. People are telling me all the time that reading my story is helping them, whether they have cancer or not. I'm sure the same is true for your blog. Feel free to email me directly if you have questions about what's ahead. amy at amykstudio dot com. I'll help if I can. Best wishes. Stay in touch!

tweetey30 said...

Its just a small suprise.. Nothing real big.. but it jumped out at me. It just told me in my own ways it was for you..

Kathy said...

I am glad that you can vent here. You need to have a place where you can do that. Unfortunatley, as you know, people can say some really hurtful things, even when they have good intentions (though I understand that not everyone does). I can only imagine how hard that is to have someone tell you about someone they know who died from breast cancer. (((HUGS)))

During our five year journey through secondary and infertility and loss our friends, family members and strangers said a lot of things to me that were very hard for me to take. I always tried to tell myself that they didn't know any better, but I often wondered if they had really thought more about what they said before the words left their mouth, maybe they would not have chosen to say what they did.

One of the hardest comments for me was always when people would say or insinuate that if only I/we relaxed more that then we would be able to get pregnant! If only it were that easy (at least for us)...

Its such a double edged sword though, as I would also get upset when people in my life would not say anything at all, because then I felt like they were not acknowledging what we were going through.

Hang in there! Sending lots of positive and healing thoughts and prayers your way.

Knock knock - it's cancer! said...

Shelly - thanks for commenting and being supportive (Brad mentioned that you were reading the blog, but it's nice to 'see' you here!)

Amy - I think we all have moments. And sometimes, insensitive comments bring those moments to the surface.

Kathy -I agree, there have been people who have still not said anything. AT ALL. Which is almost worse, like you say - then it's not even being acknowledged.

Sami said...

This is something I think about ALL the time. Having lost my mom to cancer, writing a blog about it, and befriending people who DO have cancer, I am constantly on the fence. I sometimes hold back writing about things I've been through because I don't want to upset my blogging friends. I wrote about this internal conflict here-- http://lettersinheaven.blogspot.com/2011/01/i-get-by-with-little-help-from-my-blog.html

But regardless of my experience, I still believe 100% that EVERYONE has a fair shot at beating this. And that's why it's so important to me to follow women like you, who are kicking cancer's butt to the curb, so that I have other experiences to share with these friends to uplift them! Thank you for being a new story to share :-)